Graduation ceremony

On Jun 10, a mere 10 months after I received my diploma, I walked on stage and was hooded by Drs. Lim and Gurian. Unfortunately, no one from my family was sitting close enough to gnab that picture…oh well…

I got these from the "official photographer" of the graduation courtesy of GradImages.com

Before walking on stage

Shaking hands with President Fry

After being hooded

I got these with my family

Degree drama

I originally had my thesis defense scheduled for July 6^th, at least three weeks before I was due with Jacob. This gave me plenty of time to make revisions to my thesis after the defense (assuming I’d pass) and submit my application for graduation before the end of the summer term (Sept. 20).  So I sent out a final draft of my thesis about 1 ½ weeks prior to my defense so that my committee members could review it and come up with a list of questions for me.

Drama #1: ONE of my committee members was over his email quota, so my thesis kept getting bounced back to me. I called his office and his cell to get an alternate email address. I left messages on both and followed up…It was Friday before my defense and still NOTHING from this professor! I needed him to be the required fifth person on my committee. Argh! If he just didn’t want to be on my committee anymore, I would have understood, but he didn’t even have the decency to shoot me an email or call.

Since my defense was only three days away, I had to POSTPONE my defense because there was not enough time to find a replacement. Plus, only giving this replacement three days to review my thesis would have been unfair.

I wanted to postpone only two weeks but my advisor was afraid I’d go into labor and have to postpone again. We decided that I’d defend 4 weeks after my due date, which looking back really wasn’t that much time to recover from labor and delivery. Luckily, I delivered a week early, so I had 5 weeks to rest before thinking about my defense.

My defense went fine and I passed but then Drama #2…well, not so much “drama” but a challenge…

There are no words to describe the amount of physical and emotional strength that is required to take care of a newborn. Not only did J eat every 2-3 hrs, he wanted to sleep in your arms between feedings. And he knew if I was typing at the computer…that didn’t count! After my defense, I had a lot of revisions to make on my thesis. PLUS, I had to gather all of these required signatures when I wasn’t even on campus anymore! Thankfully, I had an understanding advisor and a VERY HELPFUL officemate who did A LOT of the legwork for me (praise God for them!). AND, my WONDERFUL husband AND family came over to watch Jacob while I revised my thesis.

I finally got every form signed and submitted on Sept. 27^th and received my diploma in the mail about 6 weeks later. Glad to be done, but I still feel like I’m in graduate school because the work I do now is also pretty independent.

Postpartum roller coaster

Many weeks after the J’s birth, when I finally felt some sort of normal again, I read in What to Expect the First Year that oftentimes childbirth classes emphasize the experience of childbirth so much that moms (first-timers especially, including me) become VERY UPSET when things don’t go as planned – which include the need for medication, episiotomies, and C-sections. I had forgotten that the most important outcome of childbirth is the birth of a healthy baby. Every one kept reminding me of this, but for many weeks I couldn’t stop dwelling on the fact that I had pushed for hours, tried all the breathing techniques and birthing positions recommended during childbirth class, and still needed a C-section. I had failed at something that should have come, as was emphasized at childbirth class, so naturally.

On the day of my discharge, the pediatrician came into my room to tell me that Jacob had lost more than 10% of his body weight since birth (3-10% loss is normal). Also, J’s bilirubin count was still high. Bilirubin is broken down by the liver, but since babies have immature livers, high bilirubin counts aren’t abnormal (which is why most babies are jaundiced/yellow). But the doctors like to see this number come down over time, and below a certain value at discharge. So…I could be discharged but J would have to (1) stay longer at the hospital and (2) be under bili-lights for several hours at a time until his number came down. Bili-light is UV phototherapy that helps to get rid of the bilirubin. Here came the tears again! Was I nursing wrong? Not enough? Praise God that the hospital let me stay too so that I could still nurse. After an additional day and a half, J was finally allowed to go home! It had felt like an eternity. We still had to take J to the hospital two more times after his discharge in order to get more bilirubin tests, but his number eventually came down.

Was the drama over? NOT YET. Before I delivered, I knew I wanted to nurse. I went to breastfeeding seminars and read So That’s What They’re For: The Definitive Breastfeeding Guide. The author instilled confidence in me that I would be able to successfully nurse J, and if I needed help, I should seek it instead of giving up like so many mothers do. Well, breastfeeding was relatively easy the first 2 weeks. J fell back asleep after almost every feeding. But then week 3 reared its ugly head, and we wondered where had our sleepy, content baby gone? Why did he cry after every feeding? We began thinking that maybe he wasn’t getting enough to eat while nursing. I was using a nipple shield, as recommended by the lactation consultant at the hospital, which I read wasn’t as effective at delivering milk as direct contact is. So after many discussions with A, we decided that I’d pump exclusively, and we’d feed breastmilk to Jacob in a bottle. Again, I felt I had failed. Every one kept reminding me that satisfying J’s hunger should be my number one priority, and that pumped breastmilk is better than no breastmilk. It wasn’t for another many weeks that I finally accepted the situation. And sadly, after 2-1/2 months of pumping, I was tired. It was challenging to take care of J (who wanted to be held constantly) while also trying to find time to pump (no matter how many creative success stories I read online). I was also starting a new job where I was uncertain about the working environment and having the ability to pump at work.

Praise God that I didn’t develop clinical postpartum depression through all of these experiences. Today I just look at J and cannot believe that I carried him for 9 months. I cannot believe that A and I survived the first 3 months! There was a point when I thought I wouldn’t be able to find the strength to keep going! Today, I can’t find any reason to be sad because J is healthy and happy. He is these things because of everything A and I have tried to do right.

Finally back (?)

My last post was exactly one week before the birth of JZN - that was about three and a half months ago! Sooooo much has happened since then (including my birth story), which is partly the reason I have not posted since right before J's birth. So here are my "Things I don't want to forget but I never blogged about" (thanks for the idea Mommy Huang):

1. Birth story
2. Postpartum roller coaster
3. Degree drama
4. Renting out our home/Finding a new home
5. Moving to Maryland
6. J's development (including LOTS of photos!)

Stay-at-home or Career Mom?

Yesterday, I told my friend from high school the news. Funny thing, we ended up going to the same university, after Drexel bought Hahnemann University Hospital. Then, we ran into each other in grad school at Drexel (again). Anyways, long but neat history. She has her Ph.D. and now also has two small boys. Her desire to have kids and stay-at-home changed over the years, and also by just being a mom. Our little conversation taught me to take things one day at a time. Not everyone is fulfilled as a stay-at-home mom, and not everyone needs a career outside of the home to be fulfilled. So...guess I'll keep my options open, talk a lot about it with A, and pray for the best for our family.