We initially had a plan that whoever was going to "handle" the tantrum would kindly tell the other person that it was being "handled" so we didn't have to talk above the tantrum. We also tried out some of the thoughtful advice left by readers on how to get J to sit and possibly eat -- J sitting in my lap instead of the highchair (worked 2 nights), J sitting in an adult chair (worked 0 nights), and serving fruit with meals to change up the taste buds (50/50 on this working).
This is an old photo -- around 9 months -- but still reflects the attitude during a tantrum
One night, while J was throwing a tantrum, the hubby and I went against our initial plan and started (loudly) discussing how to handle J's tantrum in the middle of the tantrum. It was a chaotic scene, and I don't think we got J to eat anything that night. Since our "discussion" during the tantrum, and our discussion after the tantrum, didn't resolve anything about how to handle the tantrum, we had a lengthy discussion after J went to bed.
During our (calm) discussion, I realized that this is going to be the first of MANY discussions over how to handle J's behavior. Every time something new happens, we're going to need to discuss a plan of action. It's not like we can have a brainstorming session to plan for every unwanted behavior. Gosh, we probably need to sit down and discuss what to do when faced with a new behavioral problem so that we don't act irrationally or regretfully before we have the time to discuss!
Anyways, it was actually a great discussion because the hubby reminded me that we're a TEAM and that I shouldn't say things like "You take the lead and I'll follow" because first, he doesn't (nor would I) want sole responsibility for such a task. Second, we should combine what we're separately learning about parenting from others.
We came up with an elaborate plan that laid out the specifics of mealtime (serving portion, serving utensils, fruit/no fruit, handwash/no handwash) and what to do if A happened, if B happened, if A then C happened, etc. It's sounds a bit crazy but was necessary for us to get on the same page.
Isn't it ironic that the next evening, J gave us no problem when getting in the chair, eating his meal, and even sitting with us until we finished our meals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (It deserves a lot of exclamation points! ) We've had a few straight nights of great behavior. It's like somehow J sensed the calm between the hubby and I and felt no need to throw a tantrum….or whatever was ailing him the night before was no longer ailing him….doesn't matter because we're enjoying dinner now! We might even eat out again together!
How do you and your partner deal with behavioral issues?
Share your parenting successes!
P.S. It's our 4-year anniversary today, and we are dining at VOLT. I will not be recording this meal in the app ;). I love you, hubby!
Show some love. Leave a comment below and I'll definitely respond!
-----------------------
Follow this blog!
RSS | Facebook | Twitter | Email | Bloglovin'
-----------------------
Originally posted at expandng.com - Dealing with tantrums
-----------------------
Follow this blog!
RSS | Facebook | Twitter | Email | Bloglovin'
-----------------------
Originally posted at expandng.com - Dealing with tantrums
The handling behavior conversation happened in our house during naptime one afternoon a few weekends ago. I was noticing that my throat was hurting from yelling so much that morning. I didn't want to continue that way. We came up with a plan. I was also able to speak to S and explain how Juliet was just mimicking our behaviors when she hit, threw things or screamed at the top of her lungs. It's gotten better since that day.
ReplyDeletefirst of all, happy anniversary! you were a STUNNING bride! love everything about your wedding photos. your gown, your hair... the vintage car.... it couldn't have been a more beautiful wedding. :) you and your hubs are really a cute couple. :)
ReplyDeletefrank and i decided not to have discussions during tantrums, because we only end up arguing, lol! sometime i lose patience, and have to cool off and walk away... so whoever wasn't dealing with the tantrum takes over... that way a calm parent deals w the issue.
there was a period when adam didn't eat anything!! he was skin and bones, and i really worried because he just wasn't interested.... but all the experts told me to just let it be... (which was really hard). now he eats sooooo much! things change.... so hopefully, little j will start to eat more. :D
Love love love the wedding photo of the two of you walking down the aisle. Glowing! Happy anniversary! (Funny enough, our 4-year anniversary is in October - we're a few months behind you on both the wedding and having a kid!)
ReplyDeleteYou know our issues with discipline and how we're handling Gavin's misbehavior for now. Ironically, when I blogged about it, two independent friends recommended the book 1-2-3 Magic. And just earlier this week, at Gavin's 18-month check-up, our pediatrician also recommended it. Everyone who recommended it said it's probably not appropriate until Gavin is two. I think the basic idea is that you tell the child no and give him three opportunities to correct his behavior. If you get to #3, then he goes to time-out. We're not big fans of time out, but I can see using a hybrid of this model (get to #3 and take away the toy or accompany Gavin into another room, etc).
great pics and happy anniversary!
ReplyDeletebefore we had K, we both sat down and discussed:
1) the type of person we want our child to be
2) what behaviour we will not tolerate (ie. what warrants a timeout/punishment vs what does not
3) what punishment we were both comfortable with
4) the fact that we must present a unified front so that our child doesn't play us against one another or our different opinions sabotage the discipline we are trying to employ
this has helped a lot and both hubs and i 100% agree on how we want to parent K. for the most part, i'm the one who is more strict and with K, it's all about testing limits (she's at that age). i do not tolerate misbehaviour (attitude, hitting, biting, shouting in anger, cheeky behaviour). K know this as i'm very consistent and her crying or throwing tantrums does not phase me - she will be disciplined if she does any of the above and i always follow through.
for other things that don't warrant a time out such as being silly, or she's pouty, we talk about it. i prefer to talk to K about things and help her work out her feelings.
Love your wedding photos, so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteOh, the days of raising kids, must admit I am glad they are behind me,loved it but glad I am through it:)
One thing I can honestly say, we never argued about parenting in front of our children. We argued in front of our kids, don't get me wrong but never and I do mean never about parenting. Even if I felt my husband was wrong or vice versa. We discussed parenting behind closed doors and may have changed something later but we backed each other in front of our kids. Our children never tried to 'play us against each other' because they knew we backed each other and they jokingly talk about it to this day. They both say how irritating it was that they couldn't play the "Mom said I could do it" game. Parents who think they are 'stepping' in to help or fix the situation are really creating a bad situation for the family environment because all the kids see is "Oh,we can pit them against each other."
Anyway, you can disagree with the parenting but do it privately.
That is my two cents worth!!
Hi. I'm new to your blog, but I'm happy I found it. You seem to be going through the same troubles my wife are going through with our son, T. He's 16 months old this weekend. There was a period where he had the same problem as J. We attributed it to his teething, as his molars were coming out, but he was fine a couple days later.
ReplyDeleteT is our first child also, and speaking from a father's point of view, we're just as confused as you are when it comes to taking care of the baby, so my suggestion to you is to take it easy on your husband, no matter how frustrated you may be with him. I'm sure he loves J just as much as you do and he's trying his best. Also, when T acted up, my wife use to question my actions in resolving the issue. This frustrated me, as I didn't feel she supported me. She has learned to not do so at the time of the incident but rather talk about it afterwards, when we were alone. I'm not saying that this is the case for you guys, but what I'm getting at is that support is the best thing you can provide to your husband, and likewise him to you.
That's just my opinion, from the father's point of view~ I look forward to reading more of your blog!! Good luck~
I forgot to wish you a Happy Anniversary~ Your wedding pictures are fabulous~ Your bouquet was so pretty!!
DeleteHi Henry, again, hope you see this reply since your email isn't listed on your Blogger profile. If you want to make it appear, you can "Edit" profile, and under "Privacy", check "Show my email address". Anyways, if not, I will respond to your comments here :). Again, nice to meet you and tks for following! Tks for the advice on taking it easy with my husband -- we ARE both new at this and can't blame anyone or point fingers. And we should definitely have parenting conversations when we are alone. TKS! I appreciate a father's perspective!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome :D!
DeleteOh, and tks on the compliment about the wedding photos. I DID love my bouquet!!!
DeleteFirst of all, Happy Anniversary!!! Your pictures are stunning!!! It is so ironic that didn't give you a tantrum after you made an awesome plan. Ha ha! Maybe he sensed the calmness. Baby C is a good eater as well, but when she doesn't feel good or is teething, she won't eat as much. I'm totally feeling you with the tantrums though. Baby C's have increased so much this passed month. I think it has to do with her transitioning from 2 naps to 1. When it comes to parenting, I'm usually the who deals with behavior issues because I'm home with her all day. My husband is rarely alone with her (except Sunday mornings, I get to sleep in). For the most part, she hasn't had much behavior issues though. The tantrums don't last too long, unless she is just overly tired. I love that you and your husband work as a team. Beautiful!!!
ReplyDeleteYOU WERE A STUNNING BRIDE! Your wedding looked amazing! I loved that stain glass window in the church too, + your dress + flowers + you both looked so radiant and happy. Well done on 4 years.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what to offer about J but I totally agree, having hubby onboard the same page is essential to it all working. Good luck!
Now onto dinner! That menu looked amazing, I would have liked to try the
1. foie gras ruby beets, blood orange, fennel
2. lobster black forbidden rice, coconut, madras curry, mainly because it is forbidden
3. apple cinnamon, rosemary, almond
Hope you had a fab evening!
First off, congrats on 4th anniversary! I hope you enjoy your wonderful night out. I love your wedding photos. I hope one day I'll find someone special....one day! LOL
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice, unless it's to get a four legged mammal to eat, then I'm your girl. LOL I do agree with the whole team philosophy. Great job on calmly talking it out. I think that's the hardest thing to do and you two handled it beautifully.
Man, I wish I could help you out....for now, I'll just encourage and support you and in the meantime, try to be funny as possible. Hey, if I can't give you great advice, I might as well make you laugh, right? Right!
oh my goodness, you were an absolutely stunning bride! gorgeous flowers, too. happy anniversary!
ReplyDeleteso glad J seems to be doing better at mealtime and that you guys got to enjoy some peace and quiet.
do you think there could be something about the high chair that J finds uncomfortable now? perhaps the angle of the seat or the type of material? some kids are very sensitive to what we might consider minor irritations, like the way the material feels on his legs or something. just something to consider.