Postpartum roller coaster

Many weeks after the J’s birth, when I finally felt some sort of normal again, I read in What to Expect the First Year that oftentimes childbirth classes emphasize the experience of childbirth so much that moms (first-timers especially, including me) become VERY UPSET when things don’t go as planned – which include the need for medication, episiotomies, and C-sections. I had forgotten that the most important outcome of childbirth is the birth of a healthy baby. Every one kept reminding me of this, but for many weeks I couldn’t stop dwelling on the fact that I had pushed for hours, tried all the breathing techniques and birthing positions recommended during childbirth class, and still needed a C-section. I had failed at something that should have come, as was emphasized at childbirth class, so naturally.

On the day of my discharge, the pediatrician came into my room to tell me that Jacob had lost more than 10% of his body weight since birth (3-10% loss is normal). Also, J’s bilirubin count was still high. Bilirubin is broken down by the liver, but since babies have immature livers, high bilirubin counts aren’t abnormal (which is why most babies are jaundiced/yellow). But the doctors like to see this number come down over time, and below a certain value at discharge. So…I could be discharged but J would have to (1) stay longer at the hospital and (2) be under bili-lights for several hours at a time until his number came down. Bili-light is UV phototherapy that helps to get rid of the bilirubin. Here came the tears again! Was I nursing wrong? Not enough? Praise God that the hospital let me stay too so that I could still nurse. After an additional day and a half, J was finally allowed to go home! It had felt like an eternity. We still had to take J to the hospital two more times after his discharge in order to get more bilirubin tests, but his number eventually came down.

Was the drama over? NOT YET. Before I delivered, I knew I wanted to nurse. I went to breastfeeding seminars and read So That’s What They’re For: The Definitive Breastfeeding Guide. The author instilled confidence in me that I would be able to successfully nurse J, and if I needed help, I should seek it instead of giving up like so many mothers do. Well, breastfeeding was relatively easy the first 2 weeks. J fell back asleep after almost every feeding. But then week 3 reared its ugly head, and we wondered where had our sleepy, content baby gone? Why did he cry after every feeding? We began thinking that maybe he wasn’t getting enough to eat while nursing. I was using a nipple shield, as recommended by the lactation consultant at the hospital, which I read wasn’t as effective at delivering milk as direct contact is. So after many discussions with A, we decided that I’d pump exclusively, and we’d feed breastmilk to Jacob in a bottle. Again, I felt I had failed. Every one kept reminding me that satisfying J’s hunger should be my number one priority, and that pumped breastmilk is better than no breastmilk. It wasn’t for another many weeks that I finally accepted the situation. And sadly, after 2-1/2 months of pumping, I was tired. It was challenging to take care of J (who wanted to be held constantly) while also trying to find time to pump (no matter how many creative success stories I read online). I was also starting a new job where I was uncertain about the working environment and having the ability to pump at work.

Praise God that I didn’t develop clinical postpartum depression through all of these experiences. Today I just look at J and cannot believe that I carried him for 9 months. I cannot believe that A and I survived the first 3 months! There was a point when I thought I wouldn’t be able to find the strength to keep going! Today, I can’t find any reason to be sad because J is healthy and happy. He is these things because of everything A and I have tried to do right.